I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 馃お馃槀
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If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Them: What鈥檚 the hardest thing you鈥檝e ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Not to brag but I don鈥檛 need alcohol to do something stupid.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I鈥檇 never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I鈥檝e never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
If you need me I鈥檒l be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
If a person checks their watch while you鈥檙e talking, it鈥檚 probably because they鈥檙e timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It鈥檚 win-time baby. You got this.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…