MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
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“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?