Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
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End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware