People who complain about parties must not like free food.
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Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.