My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Last-minute gift idea!
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.