Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
When the stylist spins you back around
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?