I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You Might Also Like
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
My life coach traded me.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant