878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
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accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
me doing my best
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.