I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Pass gas, not judgment.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*