If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
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*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her