why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
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We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*