I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
😂💯
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.