I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Geez man, take it easy.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I can’t be the only one 😂
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.