A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.