Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
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If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Trumpy Cat
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?