If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Can’t. Being lazy.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.