*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
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If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
britain’s three elite institutions
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
The USS B port
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.