A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”