Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it