I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
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I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?