We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
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Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden