My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
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HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?