Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
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I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
My wedding will be open casket.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince