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Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.