In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Breakfast for Stoners:
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
estão todos miauvindo?
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter