Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
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I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?