cause of death:
autopsy.
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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
real
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors