I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Today’s Times
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.