Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Ron is short for Aaronald
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog