Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.