I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
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If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working