I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
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My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
This a good idea
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second