I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
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I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*