My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
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Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN