I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
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[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.