no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
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Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.