Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Botany good plants lately?