Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
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*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.