i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
And they lived apathetically ever after.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there