no!! no!!!!!!
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Your secret is safeish with me
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat