When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to