A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
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him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.