*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.