My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
hackers play passwordle
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.