Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
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Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Waiting for the Charmin
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet