[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Safety first
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread