Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.