dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Yes, but it was never about money
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”