wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
You Might Also Like
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad