Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird